Looking Back- What I Know Now

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.
Attributed to George Addair

The world offers itself to your imagination.
Mary Oliver

In my younger days,  I thought I would have life figured out by now, living in a state of equanimity. A life free of verbal blunders and lapses in judgment. Alas, I am still a work in progress and so I am not too fussed. I am also older.

Age confers the benefit of context. I can look back and see a pattern that has unfolded over time.  The dots of seemingly unrelated life events are more aligned and connected. Priorities are clearer. I also realize that very little of what I worried about amounted to much.

If I only knew long ago what I know now.

And so, my curiosity was piqued when I came across the podcast Wiser Than Me in which Julia Lous Dreyfus interviews Gloria Steinem- now 90 years young. It was fascinating to hear about her role in the Women’s Movement and how she forged her own path in life when the norm was to marry and raise a family.

At the end of the interview, she was asked what she would tell her 20 something self with the benefit of years of life experience behind her. Her advice was, “It’s going to be all right.” In other words, I know you don’t know what’s ahead or how you will manage- but you will. Trust yourself.

I wondered what I would say to my younger self and my question to readers, elicited a range of responses.

• Be kind and forgiving to yourself in all ways. Mistakes are  called life experiences and merely detours on the way to something better.
• Invest the time in tender loving care of yourself-body, mind, and soul. You are beautiful, fascinating, and unique.
• Cherish your friendships with other women. Friends have our back and help us up when we fall- which some of us do often.
• We all face challenges. There is much we can change and much we cannot. Not every argument needs to be won. Pick which battles to fight and tackle those fiercely.
• Live fully. Too often, we resist doing those things we know we should do but don’t.  Do it anyway.

What struck me was what the messages were not.  No one gave advice about leveraging your financial resources, essential travel to take, or how to be more organized. Everything was about living our lives out of a  depth of understanding.

The wisdom we have acquired over a lifetime remains relevant to our lives now.  I have thought a lot about the wisdom nugget Live fully.  What does it mean for each of us? And what does it mean in trying times such as the these?

There are many compelling reasons that make it difficult to live in a way we want.  We may face health issues, shoulder family responsibilities, or have limited resources – all of which require us to put a hold on a dream- maybe for some time. If I’m being honest about it though, I sometimes hesitate to do something new for no apparent reason.

 What holds me back?  Fear.

When a friend put forth this idea of fear to me, I discounted it, but she was right. Fear can be masked as excuses and explanations. My family will not support me; there’s not enough money; I don’t know how this will turn out; the time isn’t right.  My keen awareness of consequences can get in the way and put the brake on moving forward, but  mostly it boils down to being fearful of something I can’t always name.

Fear- False Evidence Appearing Real– is the voice in our heads convincing us that the best way to be safe is not to do something. When paired with the ageist belief  that the time to act or be a certain way has passed, we can be lulled into being comfortable with life as it is.

I need to remind myself that I can live fully despite the curveballs life throws at us.  Waiting until “things” settle down may leave us waiting a long time. Hoping for something great to happen may leave us disappointed. I may not be able to do all the things I would love to, but I persist in believing I can live fully within my circumstances and resist the voice in my head that says don’t.

What would I tell my younger self? There’s light on the other side of whatever hesitation or unease you are experiencing. Regret arises over what we don’t do, not what we did. Don’t let fear stop you. Don’t postpone.  There may  even be an amazing surprise awaiting you.

Knowing what I know now has softened the rough edges of life to make it possible to ride the waves of ups and downs and savour the great moments. It’s an act of resistance to live fully.

I have been thinking about those gems of wisdom my readers shared and my own life experience. Letting my imagination run wild, I looked in the mirror and smiled at the wrinkles and lines on my face. I thought about doing something zany.  And I took a chance and talked to someone I had only just met about a dream I have, with the hope that by declaring it, that dream is on its way to being realized.

My wild spirit is urging me on.

My thanks to those who shared their insights and perspectives for this post. For those interested in the Wiser Than Me podcast you can access it on line such as through Spotify. https://open.spotify.com/show/3zaHNdVeLiqOSXwxdoWcij#login

This post was also inspired by Anna Quindlen’s book Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake.

The words False Evidence Appearing Real is from Alan Cohen’s book A Deep Breath of Life.