Making Choices

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
Carlos Castaneda

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Mark Twain

In a recent interview with comedian Steve Martin, the interviewer remarked that people found he had changed- in other words, he had become a nicer guy. Martin said he hoped so.  He had observed that many people with age, were either kinder and more mellow or they were disagreeable and meanspirited. He knew both kinds.  His conclusion was that it was a matter of choice. We can be difficult, or we can grow into a better version of ourselves.

I was struck by this exchange and wondered where I land on the better or worse version of myself spectrum.  It’s easy to be relaxed and at peace with the world when all is well in our lives. But in real life, stuff happens, or we think stuff may happen. There are those who seem to exude calm and a certain centredness when plans go awry.  Others become grumpy, fretful, or annoying to be around. We probably know both kinds of people.

Maybe a person does something truly irritating. Perhaps plans fall apart as they are wont to do. We begin to imagine a version of chaos lurking around the corner. It’s an approach to life that clouds the good stuff in our midst.  Are we the cranky ones who see fault or notice what’s missing? Who are critical of the dust balls and clutter in someone else’s home. Do we fail to see someone struggling because we’re so preoccupied with our own life?

Sometimes our preoccupation and irritableness is rooted in worry and fretting. As I get older, I fuss much less about things that used to preoccupy me: work issues, expectations of others, stuff I did not want to do but had to, and public mistakes.

Now I am more likely to worry about the wellbeing of those I love and care about. Are they safe and happy? I get apprehensive about some things over which I have little control. Flying is one- although I manage to get on a plane. Encountering wild animals or getting lost on the hiking trail is another – although I still hike. What will I do if I see a moose?  I know it sounds ridiculous.

Worries, wild imaginings, and complaining hardly make for relaxed living: 

• Is that ache I am experiencing a problem?
• Why did such and such have to happen?
• I want to take a road trip on my own. What if the car breaks down and there’s no cell phone coverage?
• What is happening to the state of the world? How will we manage our way through the mess we are in?

In the meantime, life goes on.

With age, comes knowledge and awareness of the range of consequences. We know because we’ve lived them.  I realize so much is out of my hands but that doesn’t always stop my mind from running down a rabbit hole of fussing. Worrying, complaining, and getting irritated only keep us stuck in the no man’s land of life in the past or future. Somehow the present gets lost.

As Raynor Winn eloquently put it:

“A what point in our lives does cynicism take over from instinct? When we stop feeling the softness of rain on our face and start worrying about being wet? *

Wouldn’t it be easier to stay home and live out a predictable routine? It might, but it might not.

We make choices all the time and all have consequences.  I forget this sometimes. Life is about holding the tension between seeming opposites and having to decide where we want to land. Do we:

• Hold back and live within narrow confines OR step out and live boldly?
• Complain and be easily bothered OR truly listen to another?
• Fear the worst OR let go and reimagine possibilities?

Whatever we decide, the amount of work is the same. We might as well step out in the sunshine and sing for joy. Why not?

This poem by Mary Oliver and read by Helena Bonham Carter, expresses that sentiment nicely.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4kOMNTscSL/

I Worried by Mary Oliver

I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?

Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?

Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.

Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?

Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.

The poem can be found in the collection Devotions. The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver (2017).

*The quote from Raynor Winn is take from her memoir, The Wild Silence (p.83). Most certainly worth a read.
*The Instagram post featuring Helena Bonham Carter was from Bob Ramsay’s weekly newsletter, Omnium Gatherum.