Unlearning Life’s Lessons

The first problem is not to learn, but to unlearn.
Gloria Steinem

Sometimes the most important thing in the whole day is the rest we take between two breaths.
Etty Hillesum

“We need to unlearn a few things in life.”

This declaration by a friend one day, left me surprised. Unlearn what?  A few things came to mind- most of them centred around unlearning habits of worry, fretting, and gravitating to sugar and TV binging in times of stress. Sigh…

I know learning is a good thing. Learning keeps us sharp, curious, and engaged with the world. A life without learning leads to chronic languishing.  Doesn’t it?

My friend wasn’t saying to stop learning, but rather that the lessons and ways of doing things we have learned, and which worked well for us may outlive their usefulness. They may no longer serve us later in life and we could benefit from unlearning a few of them.

Learning is not simply the acquisition of facts and figures. It encompasses the values, beliefs, and assumptions imparted to us early on and through adulthood, often parceled out as facts and rarely challenged. They also drive our behaviour.

A few messages I heard were:

• Do your best at whatever you undertake.
• Keep busy. Don’t be idle.
• Be prepared. Plan, plan, and plan.
• Work hard. Take courses, get credentials, and progress in your career.
• Life’s many problems require complex approaches or solutions.

None of these messages are necessarily wrong.  In many ways they were essential in helping me make my way in the world and navigate the demands of day-to-day life, but are they still relevant? Who benefits when I do these things?

Most of us have led busy lives. There’s laundry to be done; meals must be prepared; family members need our time, and the report for work has a deadline. Unexpected events (the plumbing goes, the car breaks down, someone gets sick, we lose our job, and so on) unravel the routine we try to hold onto.  Then there’s the acquisition of stuff associated with living.  The routine is really thinking, doing, and acquiring- more and more- so we can act and sprint to the finish line-whatever that is.

Responsibilities don’t end, but they do change. Hopefully, the associated urgency diminishes over time. But even if we are less encumbered, we may find ourselves in a long-standing pattern of busyness that can be hard to extinguish.  I see that pattern in myself sometimes.

Many people I know have welcomed and easily transitioned to a new way of living that usually comes with a change in work status. For me it’s taken time to turn off the automatic pilot way of doing things, even as I resist doing those automatic pilot things. I have also come to realize unlearning is not just about the “doing”. It includes letting go of what no longer make sense.

• Fretting and ruminating about outcomes that might happen but almost never do.
• Rules that no longer serve us.
• Habitual and outworn responses to situations and people.
• Familiar notions of success and achievement.
• A need for certainty.
• Living out of our heads rather than our hearts.
• Comfortable roles- not just work roles- we’ve lived with for a long time.            

I long to unlearn a few things. I suspect many of us do.       

Some degree of unlearning makes it possible to forge a new direction. Maybe a way to start is by subtracting stuff from our lives rather than adding more on. If we did that, what would be left?

A life that favours simple approaches, throws out the planning and rejoices in spontaneity, cherishes idle time, and is guided less by what we think and more by what we feel. A life in which we know deep in our soul what really matters.

We don’t always need to be certain about how everything will turn out – much as I would like that- or wait until the ducks are all in a row. The planners may tell you otherwise but who wants a life that’s totally planned with no room for delightful surprise?

Unlearning provides a jumping off place between old habits and great possibilities.  It creates a spaciousness for new- hopefully richer- experiences to emerge and a sense of ease to permeate the day.

I am learning to unlearn. It’s taking awhile.

Too much “doing” clutters my mind.  Too much stuff is overwhelming. Too much worry and fretting steal the joy of the present moment. Not every situation warrants a response.

And so I am unlearning some well-worn habits and making sure there is ample time to gaze at the trees and sky and explore new places. Time for play. Time alone and time with others. Time to realize a new purpose.   

Trying to get out of my own way as I forge a new direction which will surely be a delightful surprise.

My thanks to AG for the Etty Hillesum quote.